How to pick up chicks on Baga Beach (Goa)

It would seem that ‘The Game’ has not yet made its way through India- pervading the mind and sense of every man like it has done in Engerland. Evidence for this can be seen splurging out of the brains and mouths of some of the Goans I came across (so to speak) in my week there. There are numerous ways to attempt to woo the laydeez and they work with varying success:

1. Shout across the beach “Madam, madam, will you marry me?”

Critique: While this is clearly displaying that you’re not a commitment-o-phobe, something feared by many women (and men) I know in the west, it may be advisable to seek the middle ground and retain some dignity. You know, keep some cards close to your chest.

2. Walk past target repeatedly, staring unblinkingly at them. When they finally cease pretending not to notice you, smile inanely. Be sure to have a crazed look in your eyes.

Critique: There is a chance that this will the adverse effect and, instead of warming target to you, will creep them out. A small chance, but it’s there nonetheless. You have been warned.

3. Keep walking past until target in engrossed in their book, then quick-fire questions at them, ignoring their attempt to go back to their book.

Critique: If they look like they haven’t noticed you the first four or so times you walk past – give it up. Just cut your losses.

4.  Sit by them at a bar and ask for ‘chit-chat’ with your selling point being that you are very talkative and like to find out about different cultures and their views on India. When they have agreed to spend some time with you, drop the pretense of being sociable and make them do all the work in the conversation. When they give up then remark “you’re not very chatty are you?”

Critique: While a polite request to join someone goes a long way, bear in mind that they might want to sit on their own for a reason. Honesty is an admirable trait, but usually one keeps up the pretense of being interesting for at least 3 minutes.

5. While handing them flyers from your motorcycle to a ladies night, ask questions about where they are from. Use your international knowledge to claim that you are also from said place and then back this up by sqawking chat-up lines  associated with that place (for example ‘I’m from Essex too: Sit on my love machine’), thus proving that, although you might not really be from there, there is a chance that you have, at least, met someone from Essex.

Critique: Extra points for  ‘local knowledge’ and using the right phrases in context. Just make sure that you really know what the phrase means (e.g ‘love machine’ does not mean motorcycle). Oh yeah, and extra points for the motorcycle.

6. Sit very near target play music you think she’ll like, such as the entire U2 back-catalogue, while waiting for a train that has been delayed for an hour and a half. If you like, sing along.

Critique: This is a real hit or miss technique. If you can’t sing, don’t, but playing someone music is always a nice treat. U2 would seem like a safe choice for many and it would seem like bad luck for the PUA that target hated U2. (If he’d thought about it, the fact that U2 are shit might have been an indication, but there’s no accounting for taste).

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